Found Words

I came across the following somewhere.

I have always been- which is to say I haven't, but I might have been, had I been other than I am- have always been fully focused on the task at hand, or again might have been, had I ever been able to be fully convinced of the value of the task at hand, which it has remorselessly transpired I haven't. Though that suggests something altogether false: that I have been setting myself tasks, positioning myself before or beneath these tasks in the honest hope, if not expectation, of becoming convinced of the virtue of these tasks; that if not yet enthused with the vigour of the acolyte at that moment for the task, or anything even remotely resembling such, yet I was ready to submit my energies to the task, whatever it may be, and that perhaps in time, having satisfied the preparatory preliminaries of involvement necessary in my awkward case, that by virtue of immersion in the intricacies of the demands of the task, the subtle pathways of its nature; that by an osmosis of interaction a developing fascination for its nature would develop in mine, all leading to an unfeigned conjoining of our natures, mine and its; and, in short, that I would grow to love the task, and so be able to devote myself happily to the satisfaction of the logic of its being, and the improvement of its nature, the logic of its being, would be accompanied by a similar improvement in mine, thus, all in all, happily satisfying both our natures.

But if that's what I appeared to suggest, then this was not intended, for not the faintest glimmer of, belief in, expectation or even thought of such an enthusiasm ever entered my head, and so no real placing myself beneath these tasks...and all the rest of it ever really occurred. Perhaps some interested bystanders hoped- even if without much of it- that having positioned myself beneath such tasks- for there was the occasional task- that something like the above process might occur- even if only the faintest shadow of such a process- and the subsequent conjoining of myself and task might prove my salvation, or something like it. Well, if they ever did they were disappointed.