Climate Catastrophe Reassurance

Some of you may be aware that the Antarctic just experienced its coldest winter on record, but don’t worry, regardless of whatever alarmists might try to claim, we’re still definitely on course for a climate catastrophe because of global warming. It just mightn’t affect all of the globe, but like I said, be assured, we’re definitely still doomed, more or less, at least most of us. 

And as for the very long winter last year in the northern hemisphere where places like Alaska had some of their coldest weather on record along with record snowfalls, whilst as far south as Texas, crazy cold and snowfalls caused virtually unprecedented chaos - again I’d just like to set your minds at rest, we are definitely heading for a climate catastrophe as manifested by things like disappearing winters and lack of snowfall. Don’t be getting alarmed thinking it might not happen. And actually if stuff like crazy cold weather with huge loads of snow does happen to come along, just take it that’s a counter-intuitive but very sure sign that the experts were even more right than previously imagined. Someone will explain the science to you if it’s really necessary.

And regarding things like apocalyptically rising sea-levels and submerged coastlines that haven’t happened yet even though according to the climate catastrophe experts they should have been happening long before now - don’t panic. They will happen. We will definitely be screwed. The proof is in the future and the future is a nightmare - and not a pleasant one.

 And if fear that we might not be heading for utter disaster on these fronts ever does threaten to overwhelm you, just plug yourself into one of our array of mainstream media outlets and that gnawing intellect will be gently put aside and find rest. Remember: true peace arises from dwelling within the flames of incessantly stoked communal fear. Only then can we sit down and enjoy things like professional sports and Hollywood entertainments in the manner they are meant to be enjoyed - not as an escape from life but as an enhancement of it.