The Beethoven Delusion

An intense, steely eyed, morose figure sits crouched over a desk harshly lit by an angular lamp. Cigarette smoke invaded all corners of the room, despite the pinned presence on a wall of a large sheet of paper on which was written "SMOKING IS IRRATIONAL." 

The man - or at least so it appeared to be - suddenly leapt from his intentionally uncomfortable seat (an aid to clear thinking) and triumphantly raised a large sheet in the smoky air. After devouring what was written with his hungry, mad, intellectual eyes, he placed the page back on the desk, clenched his fist again and strode downstairs.

Seeing as he's gone, we'll take a closer look at this mysterious sheet. Atop the page was the heading: The Beethoven Delusion, and below it was written the following.

 It is my argument that a pious fraud has been perpetrated so as to subject mankind to the most humiliating of intellectual enslavements. I will restrict myself to examining an aural or musical phenomenon known as The Pastoral Symphony, or alternatively Beethoven's Sixth Symphony. The work is the same despite the confusion of the two titles, and both are declared to be the work of a supposedly extraordinary genius by the name of Beethoven; someone supposedly far beyond the reach of mere mortals like you and me. Can you feel the insult in this claim? Is it not demeaning?! I hate the very idea of the man.

So out of this hatred I have made it my task to rescue humanity from this insult, and I am proud to announce I have succeeded magnificently. In short, what I have discovered is that this alleged work with its wild claims of a composer and his musical creation of wild genius ultimately amounts to nothing but the vibration of air moleclues at varying degrees of intensity. There is no need to bring a composer - call him Beethoven, call him anything you like - into the equation; air molecules are sufficient. The air molecules vibrate, noise is created, we hear the noise with our accidental ears . . . And that’s it, end of mystery. Who needs some Beethoven thrown into the mix?!

I have so far restricted my scientific investigations to the Pastoral work, but I am confident that were other alleged works of greatness subjected to the same empirical rigour, then similar conclusions would be reached. And if anyone assaults you with their pretensions, just direct them to the air molecules, and walk off. You may even permit yourself a smirk as you do so.